This weekend was supposed to be a productive weekend for me. For those of us who live in the colder climates and don't have the luxury of mega storage or a walk in closet, it is a yearly chore and I mean CHORE to exchange your summer clothes to your fall/winter clothes. Lugging rubbermaid tubs up and down stairs, folding and unfolding, you get the picture, not fun but it is something that has to be done. I thought this would be a perfect weekend since I am on call and have to stay close to home.
I have two closets that were my Mom's when she lived with us and they have been untouched since she passed away in June 2009. Everytime I even have fathomed the idea, I got a knot in my stomach and would
walk run from cleaning them out. I thought I could handle it today and how I was wrong. The pain became so overwhelming and unbearable while taking her clothes out of the closets and putting them in garbage bags - either for the trash or for a thrift store. I was thinking....someone's life, my Mom's life has resorted to being placed in garbage bags. This brought me so much pain and I felt the loss of her as if she died today. I couldn't shake it and couldn't stop crying. I ended up finishing it and went to the gym. In hindsight, I was running to stuff these feelings. When I came home, I was where I am sitting now in her apartment and felt an overwhelming sense of grief so I slept the entire day unable to get out of bed. I did crawl out of bed around 6 and decided to call my spiritual advisor who is my strength and always makes so much sense to me. She always makes me feel better and explained to me that has to part of my journey to feel the pain of the death of my Mom when it comes up. If I go down the path straight vs taking turns, I will eventually get to the other side. But if I vear off the road, the pain will be stuffed and I will not learn from it. She also said that it is a process that my soul has to go through to heal. And someday along my journey, someone will come along that needs my help and I will be able to help them through a situation such as this. This all makes sense to me. People who know me know that I am a happy, positive upbeat person so when I get depressed, cry, feel pain, I don't like it and want to change it, but as she said to me in doing so I am only going to hurt myself. So I am feeling it and walking through it with my Mom by my side. I know now that this will only make me a stronger, better person.
"Walking through pain and feeling it, only makes you a stronger person. By working through it, someday, you will be used to help someone else through the exact same feelings" - My Spiritual Advisor •.¸¸. ƸӜƷ .¸¸.•
Thank you Charley.
I love you Mom xoxo
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