Remembering My Dad who passed away October 31, 2002

I love you Daddy!

I can't believe it has been 7 years since my Dad passed away, seems impossible, seems like a life time ago, seems like yesterday.

I used to have a very difficult time this time of year but as they say each yr gets a little easier. I wouldn't even celebrate Halloween until 2006. I miss him alot, his laughter, our times together, our love that only a father can give his daughter and I sure was Daddy's Little Girl.

For those of you who don't know....at the end of his life I took care of him as I did my Mom. This is such a wonderful gift that you can give to a parent that took care of you their entire life. It was a beautiful experience, easing one of my greatest loves into death. He held on for so long because of his fear of me not being ok and kept asking me for a week the same question - "are you sure you're are going to be okay?." His last words to me were..."Are you sure you're going to be okay?" I held him in my arms and said, "Yes Dad, I will, I promise." He said, as he drifted off to sleep..."Ok Squirt, I Love You Honey" and squeezed my hand........

We had some very rough times when I was younger and made amends in my late 20's and for that I am grateful. After that we became very close and the best of friends. He loved me so much as I loved him.

He was a great man, a great father and a great friend. He never called me by my name and since I was a little, called me "Squirt", which I loved.

One of my favorite memories of him was our love of football and racing. I would make the trip to his house in CT every week to watch my Giants and his Jets play. When football season was over we would switch to racing. His driver was the Viagra driver, Mark Martin and I would tease him about the Viagra thing. He was a ladies man to the end, so somehow that driver fit lol!

He could light up a room with his smile, his wit and his good looks. He was loved by many and was nicknamed Rodney Dangerfield. One, he looked like him and two, he was an extremely funny guy. He was very giving as well and gave so much of him self to the Shriners. An organization he was a member of since his early 20's and I was very proud of him and all that he did for that organization.

For a very long time he was the only one that I could count on. I knew that no matter what I did he would always be there for me. The thing I miss most is the beautiful unconditional love only a father can have for his daughter.

I will do what I did last year. Instead of being grief sticken, I will honor him with love. What I have done to keep is soul alive is to emulate his qualities and share this with all that I meet.

So Dad, I Love You With All My Heart and I Will Always, Always carry you with me in my heart.

A Great Magazine for The 40-Something Woman

More Magazine

I have been a subscriber to this magazine since I turned 40. It is a fabulous read for women in their 40's. It shows real women, real feelings and thoughts of women in our age group, along with beauty, sex and health tips. It also shows women in their true light. Most of the women featured are not a size 2, not airbrushed and show their real selves. This is the magazine that Jamie Lee Curtis was in a few years back without make-up, in her undies without the magic of photoshop making her thinner than she really is. I really enjoy reading this and wanted to share it with you.

Here is the link to the web site if you are interested....take a look!

http://www.more.com/

And who doesn't love Diane Keaton!

A Recipe That I Made Up - Mediterranean Chicken

~*Mediterranean Chicken*~

This recipe came out of no where in my head when I was thinking about different things to make. I even came up with the name but Googled it just now to know how to spell Mediterranean and there are recipes out there called this. And I have to say it was DELISH!!

Here is mine...

Ingredients

• 6 Boneless Breast Chicken
• Italian Dressing
• Fresh Garlic - chopped
• Fresh Oregano - chopped
• Fresh Basil - chopped
• 1 Package of Small Portobello Mushrooms
• 1 Chopped Tomato
• 1 Medium Size Zucchini
• 1/4 Cup Feta Cheese
• 6 Slices of Fresh Mozzerella Cheese
• Olive Oil

Marinade chicken in italian dressing for at least one hour. In a small bowl combine chopped garlic, basil and oregano with a splash of olive oil. Place marinaded chicken in a baking dish and begin to layer in the following order....

1. Herb mixture
2. Mozzerella Cheese
3. Feta Cheese
4. Mushrooms
5. Zucchini
6. Tomato

Bake at 350 degrees for an hour. I served with a boxed Spanish Rice and Beans.

ENJOY!!

My First Attempt At Carrot Cake

~*Carrot Cake*~

I have never been a baker only a cook. My gf Connie inspired me to try this new endeveor and will try to make a baking recipe a week. Today, I made yet another one of my husband's favorite desserts - Carrot Cake. It came out tasty but kinda looks like hell lol!! They were all out of the little carrot decorations at the store too...boooo I also wasn't thinking and made it with two pans vs. one so I ran out of frosting....next time folks :D

Ingredients

• 4 eggs
• 1 1/4 cups vegetable oil
• 2 cups white sugar
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 3 cups grated carrots
• 1 cup chopped pecans
• 1/2 cup butter, softened
• 8 ounces cream cheese, softened
• 4 cups confectioners' sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup chopped pecans

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F Grease and flour baking pan. First mistake is that I used two cake pans and ended up running out of frosting :(
2. In a large bowl, beat together eggs, oil, white sugar and 2 teaspoons vanilla. Mix in flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt and cinnamon. Stir in carrots. Fold in pecans. Pour into prepared pan.
3. Bake in the preheated oven for 40 to 50 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean. Let cool in pan for 10 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack and cool completely.
4. To Make Frosting: In a medium bowl, combine butter, cream cheese, confectioners' sugar and 1 teaspoon vanilla. Beat until the mixture is smooth and creamy. Stir in chopped pecans. Frost the cooled cake.

ENJOY!

Spicy Mexican Beef

Spicy Mexican Beef

I use this dish for for several dishes....Tacos, Served Over Rice, Nachos or as a side dish. It is very tasty and spicey.Tonight I made it for Tacos.

• 2 lbs Hamburger
• 2 large Cans of Black Beans
• 1 large Red Onion
• 1/4 Cup of Jalapenos
• 1/4 Cup Taco Sauce - it comes in Mild, Medium and Hot, I use Hot.
• 1/4 Cup Chili Powder

In a large skillet brown hamburger. Once the hamburger is browned, add the above ingredients. Simmer for 3 - 4 hours.

Enjoy!

Missing My Mom....

I haven't been talking about it much but I have been missing my Mom something fierce. There is so much involved in the grieving process but I think that I am handling it quite well. The Hospice that my Mom was in is a wonderful organization, not only did they take great care of us while she was alive they continue to follow me. I was assigned a Hospice Counselor, which is such a blessing. As we have been meeting over the last few months more has been revealed about her as we have had our talks. She is not only a grief counselor but a Reiki Healer, a Spiritual Advisor and also does some work as a Medium. A Medium is someone who has the ability to communicate with spirits. I had been having some difficulty and "stuck" per say, longing for my Mom. She has come to me in dreams quite often over the last few weeks and I know that she is feeling my pain as well. So I decided to call my Advisor, Holly. We had a great meeting on Thursday. I was able to talk about my feelings and my pain which was a great relief.

As we were talking she said she felt my Mom in the room and she wanted to tell me some things. Now you have to realize that I didn't share any of these things with Holly before she got these messages.

1. My Mom said first to her (which she said threw her back b/c it isn't the usual thing a soul says, but that's my Mom lol) My Mom said, "Tell her to go to the doctor and get some lab work done." Well the funny thing is that I have been feeling nauseous everyday, weak and tired. And have a lab slip and script for a mammogram in my purse for months now. Then I told Holly this, she was taken back. And said, my Mom said, "Please do it for me." So I am calling the doctor next week and scheduling my lab work and mammogram.
2. Holly said she felt the presence of birds or butterflies in the room. She had no idea that I have been having all these profound experience with butterflies after my Mom died. Coming at me all the time at the strangest times or when I am upset, they appear and always yellow, my Mom's favorite color.
3. Holly also didn't know this - that I have returned to my Mom's church, I actually grew up there but felt the need after she died to return as to honor and keep her memory alive and I am actually liking it. Anyways, the message came, "Thank you for going to church, it makes me happy to see you there." Also explaining my overwhelming feeling of her presence when I am there.
4. She told me to continue to be strong and that she is always with me when she can be especially at times like these when I am feeling depressed and/or missing her. Thus explaining these orbs around me all the time in my pics.

Very strange phenomenon. But I believe in these things. I have seen alot of spiritual things in my life and have had some profound experiences. I am grateful that I was able to receive these messages.

Losing two parents is rough. Losing my Mom was especially hard on me because I took care of her for so long and we became so close. I miss and ache for her everyday. I miss taking care of her along with all the crazy, fun things we did. There is a feeling of loneliness that I can't explain. And emptiness inside of me. I am projecting and trying not to but I can not fathom the holidays without her. For one thing, I am nobody's baby anymore. Even at my age, I was always somebody's baby. With that comes a feeling of comfort and security, knowing no matter what happens your parents will always be there for you. I had very loving, caring parents that would do anything for me and did most of my life. So once my Mom died, I had to grow up all of a sudden and it's hard. Sounds strange I am sure if you never lost a parent. There is something especially difficult when losing you Mother.

What I do now is remember the good times, cry when I need to, allow myself to miss her and keep her alive by emulating her strength, perseverance and sense of humor.

I love you Mom

A Quote Posted by my friend Joe Keane, I love this and is one of my life's philosophies....

Any path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you…Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question…Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn’t it is of no use." --Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan

Funny Halloween Story.....

Halloween

I had always love Halloween and always got dressed up and gone out to parties until my Dad passed away on Halloween 2002. It took me three years until I could even think about partying it up that day. As with everything, I had to come to an acceptance and realize that my father would not want me sitting around crying and moping around. So my first Halloween back in action, I dressed up as Johnny Depp's character, Captain Jack Sparrow. It all came about while driving with an old friend of mine while I was on the phone with my bff. I penciled in a mustache and beard and my gf Jen said,"OMFG YOU LOOK JUST LIKE JOHNNY DEPP!!" I took a pic and sent it to Tracey and we were all hysterical about it so that's where that idea stemmed from.

Well I have been dressing up like him on Halloween ever since, have won costume contests and this is the best part - the responses that I get.....from WOMEN LOL!! I wore my costume to work one day a few years back and I had woman all over me. Every time that I went out for a smoke, I had a trail of woman behind me and others following me up to get a glimpse of me in my office. Didn't they know there was a woman underneath that pirate gear lol? They honestly kept saying, "OMG you are so fing hot, sexy, etc". I had to keep telling them that I was a woman under the costume and some even said, "I don't care!" As I walked the streets of Manhattan, I was turning heads...yes of woman. So, I guess this is a good costume and yes, I am going to be him again this year. I have printed pics of him to get the make up and look just right and do have to get to the store for some more gear this year.

Jerry and I are invited to a mega Halloween bash at a friend of ours. I wanted Jerry to dress up as one of the other Pirates of the Caribbean characters but he is opting for a cowboy (how boring lol ) Our friend and his wife apparently go all out and it should be a blast! Can't wait and will take alot of pics for sure :D

Love Blogging!

Thanks to my gf Connie, she introduced me to the world of blogging. I love to write especially when I am feeling down, it's a release for me to write. I find it more personal here than on MySpace where I did at one time do alot of writing. I also have written on Facebook but thinking maybe that I will keep all my blogs about my feelings on here for those who want to read it have to make an effort to click on my link to view vs. being "out there".

I also love to cook! It is my stress reliever and hobby. Sharing recipes on here is great and I love seeing what is up next on my friend's pages. I am now going to start to bake. I never have, only apple pie, because I always found it too messy lol!!

Thanks again Connie for turning me on to this world!

“I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.”

" I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without you love." quote from Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City.

My answer is who isn't? I am feeling like her quote says this week. Marriage for me isn't what it is cracked up to be at times. So I often ask myself is it me, my marriage, my husband or do all women feel this way one time or another?

I love my husband, don't get me wrong. He is a wonderful man who I am grateful to have in my life. But lately it's as if we are more like friends than partners, lovers or a couple. He feels that showing his love to me entails cleaning the house, taking care of errands, the yard, etc. affection is "not his thing" as he puts it. Me, on the other hand am a very affectionate person and need to feel loved by cuddling, kissing, hand holding and from time to time going on dates whether they be fun or romantic. I occasionally and I do mean occasionally get that from him. The occasionally is only during a crisis i.e when my parents passed away or when I went through my own hell last year. During the day to day life Jerry acts more like my friend than my husband or what my idea of a husband is.

This week he made a very disturbing comment to me about the way that I look (too personal and hurtful to post. I talked about it with my best friend to set my head straight) but it got me thinking about my ex-husband and boyfriends past. With them I had the "Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without you love." So having a taste of it, I want it and miss it. But is this reality, is this marriage? Or do I have a "bad" marriage? I don't know the answer to this all I know is that it is making me unhappy and I don't like that feeling at all.

When I get like this I want to run....Run to NYC, my salvation, my escape, my fantasy world. And for today, it is not a healthy place for me to be. Do I miss it? At times, absolutely. I didn't have responsibilities, a husband, or a care in the world besides work I was pretty much a free spirit.

I love to go out, I love to socialize and there is not much of that in Connecticut. But on the other hand, my life is stable, I love my new job, my house is beautiful and I have found my spirituality again. So what is wrong with me? Am I placing too high expectations on marriage and love? The answer to this is "I don't know" but what I do know is I am not going to be miserable and I can have my own fun and I can definitely take care of myself. So today, my friends is all about me. I am not cleaning....I am going out and doing the things that I like to do. I am going shopping, taking a nice ride in the country, getting my nails and feet done, and contemplating taking MYSELF out to dinner (would love to see a movie but nothing is out that looks good to me)

Basically, I am taking care of me :)

New Makeup I Found That Works Great!

Hey and can you believe it's Maybelline. I spend a fortune on makeup products and was at CVS the other day and decided to give these a try. I love Mineral makeup but as you know it can be pricey but makes your skin flawless. I purchased Maybelline Mineral Powder and I love it and actually has the quality of the pricey Bare Mineral's foundation powder. It only cost me 9.99 and they had a special buy one and get 50% off another product. I have dark circles (inheritated boo) and always looking for a great concealer. I found this "Dream Mousse Concealer also by Maybelline and it works great and doesn't cake on my wrinkles and hides the dark circles.

Always like to share things with my girls :)

Blueberry Pie - So easy to make!!

~*Blueberry Pie*~

Of all days to start a diet lol!! But my husband loves Blueberry Pie and I have never made it before and it's the easiest recipe to make.

• 2 Cans of Sweetened Blueberries
• 1 Tablespoon of Butter
• Pie Crust ( I use the pre-made crust)

Spead out one piece of the pie crust in pie pan. Add blueberries and butter. Put the second piece of pie crust on top of mixture. Pinch the sides of the crust. Bake at 350 degrees for 35 minutes. That's it!!

Enjoy!!

Weight and Self Esteem...Unhappy With The Way That I Look Right Now

Weight and Self Esteem

Unhappy With The Way That I Look Right Now

As women most of us can relate to this. I believe it starts in your teens when you see images on TV, MTV, Magazines and the media in general. We see pictures of women with perfect bodies. Or what society tells us is the perfect body - anything under a size 10. The truth is that the average woman is a size 14 which is considered even "too fat" for plus size models, which are no larger than a size 12. So what does this do to us? Or should I say me? That I am FAT! I hate that word because in all reality I do like the way that I look, I just don't feel comfortable at this size - clothes don't fit as well and I can't wear the outfits that I really want to wear.

I've been here before and was actually larger than 170 lbs. I am an emotional eater and when my Mom got ill last year, I packed on the pounds and went from a size 4 to a 14 in a little over a year. I had once tipped the scale at 220 lbs following my divorce and eventually lost 100 lbs on a low carb diet and exercising and kept it off for 4 years. At that time in my life, I was still in search of myself and my self-esteem and self concept was in the toilet and I actually couldn't stand myself and this had nothing to do with the weight, I just hadn't grown to the woman that I am today. The funny thing that I noticed is that when I was thin before I gained the weight, men would open doors for me at stores, say hi, etc. When I am a plus size gal, they don't. It's as if people ignore you, that you don't exist. This time around this hasn't happened because I DO hold my head up high because now being over weight in my 40's is much different than when I was in my 30's because I DO have self-esteem and love myself. So I say "F'' em! I AM a beautiful, smart successful woman with a lot to offer.

I am dieting for me. Because I am eating to sabotage myself....why I don't know. I eat when I am not hungry or over eat when I am or both. At night, I gorge myself with unhealthy foods after either dieting all day or starving myself and I am sick of it. It is making me disgusted.

So I began my low-carb diet today. I know that this diet is the only one that works for me and the weight will drop off quickly. I want to feel good, eat healthy and have that extra confidence in myself.

Here is the diet that I used to lose that 100 lbs.....

Limit your Carb intake to 20 grams a day for two weeks, then 40 grams thereafter.

NO SUGAR

Things that you can’t eat:

No Pasta

No Bread

No Potatoes

No Sugar

No Rice

No White Flour

No Corn, Carrots, Peas

No Milk

Low Carb Products that taste good, hard to find Stop & Shop and Big Y carry them.

Dream Fields Pasta

Ice cream – Carb Smart

Yogurt and Yogurt Smoothies - Carb Countdown

Milk - Hood Carb Countdown

South Beach Diet - Cereal, Granola Bars

Special K – Low Carb Cereal

Pepperidge Farms Low Carb Bread

This web-site has wonderful low carb products -

http://www4.netrition.com/low_carb_products_page.html

The only artificial sweetener you can use is Splenda

Eat the above low carb products sparingly. Because the carb count can add up.

Be careful when products do say low sugar/low carb…you are looking at the carb count make sure that the grams low

Don’t use low fat/non fat products because they carry more sugar than the regular items i.e.: Salad dressing, cream cheese, cottage cheese, etc.

CVS carries an assortment of Low Carb Candy - Russell Stovers

Use half and half in coffee/tea vs. milk unless you buy the low carb milk

Can eat any meat and cheese products or protein. The meats and cheeses are your main source of intake. They should fill you up so you shouldn’t feel hungry.

If you do cheat on the diet you will end up gaining weight because you will be eating a lot of calories and fat with the meats and cheeses.

I will come hell or high water look like this again!

Pepperoni Garlic Pizza

Pepperoni Garlic Pizza

• 
  
• 
  
• 1 store bought pizza dough
• Olive Oil for drizzling
• 1/2 Clove of Garlic, chop into 4 pieces
• 1/4 of a Brick of Garlic Cheese
• 1/4 of a Brick of Chedder Cheese
• 1 cups shredded mozzarella
• 1 Bag of Sliced Pepperoni
• Handful of Fresh Oregano, finely chopped
• Handful Fresh Basil, finely chopped
• A Sprinkle of Italian Season

Preheat a pizza stone if you use one along with the oven to 425 degrees F. I use a round pizza pan or a cookie sheet

Stretch dough to form a pie and transfer to stone or pizza baking tray.

Pierce the dough with the tines of a fork in several places.

Drizzle olive oil around the crust. Inbed the chopped garlic cloves into dough. Place the spices on the dough. Place pepperoni on next, speading out evenly. Top the pizza with the cheeses. Bake until crispy, 20 minutes. cut and serve.

Enjoy!

Fall In New England

This is one of my favorite times of the year where I live. I have a beautiful ride to work that allows me to relax and pray, meditate and reflect. It's all country roads passing a beautiful lake and looks alot like this.