“I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.”

" I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without you love." quote from Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City.

My answer is who isn't? I am feeling like her quote says this week. Marriage for me isn't what it is cracked up to be at times. So I often ask myself is it me, my marriage, my husband or do all women feel this way one time or another?

I love my husband, don't get me wrong. He is a wonderful man who I am grateful to have in my life. But lately it's as if we are more like friends than partners, lovers or a couple. He feels that showing his love to me entails cleaning the house, taking care of errands, the yard, etc. affection is "not his thing" as he puts it. Me, on the other hand am a very affectionate person and need to feel loved by cuddling, kissing, hand holding and from time to time going on dates whether they be fun or romantic. I occasionally and I do mean occasionally get that from him. The occasionally is only during a crisis i.e when my parents passed away or when I went through my own hell last year. During the day to day life Jerry acts more like my friend than my husband or what my idea of a husband is.

This week he made a very disturbing comment to me about the way that I look (too personal and hurtful to post. I talked about it with my best friend to set my head straight) but it got me thinking about my ex-husband and boyfriends past. With them I had the "Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without you love." So having a taste of it, I want it and miss it. But is this reality, is this marriage? Or do I have a "bad" marriage? I don't know the answer to this all I know is that it is making me unhappy and I don't like that feeling at all.

When I get like this I want to run....Run to NYC, my salvation, my escape, my fantasy world. And for today, it is not a healthy place for me to be. Do I miss it? At times, absolutely. I didn't have responsibilities, a husband, or a care in the world besides work I was pretty much a free spirit.

I love to go out, I love to socialize and there is not much of that in Connecticut. But on the other hand, my life is stable, I love my new job, my house is beautiful and I have found my spirituality again. So what is wrong with me? Am I placing too high expectations on marriage and love? The answer to this is "I don't know" but what I do know is I am not going to be miserable and I can have my own fun and I can definitely take care of myself. So today, my friends is all about me. I am not cleaning....I am going out and doing the things that I like to do. I am going shopping, taking a nice ride in the country, getting my nails and feet done, and contemplating taking MYSELF out to dinner (would love to see a movie but nothing is out that looks good to me)

Basically, I am taking care of me :)